Jangan buang-buang makanan

Ceritanya gue abis makan siang di rumah dan lagi mau cuci piring. Sebenernya di mangkuk gue masih ada serpihan tahu, paprika, dan kuah sichuan, tapi gue pikir “kenyang ah, lagian gak suka paprika juga”. Saat gue lagi buang sisa makanan tersebut, gue tiba-tiba inget nasihat temen lama gue tentang gak buang-buang makanan. Gue sering denger nasihat tentang gak buang-buang makanan dari temen ataupun keluarga, tapi nasihat temen gue ini gak bakal gue lupa.


Waktu itu gue dan temen lama gue, yang udah gue kenal semenjak sekolah dasar, ini lagi ketemuan buat ngobrolin proyek website fotografinya dia. Gue inget banget gue pikir enak banget kalo bisa kerja sesuai kesukaan dan dapet duit banyak kaya temen gue. Entah kenapa gue gak habisin makanan gue hari itu (mungkin itu salah satu masa impulsif diet gue), dan dia langsung ceramahin gue “jangan buang-buang makanan, orang lain banyak yang gak makan.” Gue cengengesan doang sambil bilang “abis kenyang.” dan siap untuk ngelanjutin pembahasan website.

Lalu temen gue bilang, “Serius gue nih.” Temen gue ini jarang ngomong serius, fyi. Bahkan kalo lagi ngomongin kerjaan juga dia bisa-bisanya bercanda. Jadi gue cukup kaget. Lalu dia cerita masa-masa awal dia mulai karir fotografinya. Kalau nggak salah dia masih kuliah waktu itu. Dia proyekan fotografi biar mamanya gak usah kirimin dia duit lagi. Mamanya single parent, dan temen gue ini punya 3 adik laki-laki, jadi temen gue ini gak pengen nyusahin mamanya. Tapi ternyata hidupnya sendiri juga jadi susah sekali waktu itu katanya. Dia bahkan pernah tidur di stasiun Trans Jakarta karena enggak punya ongkos pulang dan teman-temannya gak bisa dihubungin. Di masa-masa itu juga dia merasakan sulitnya cari makan, ga jarang dia skip meals. Lalu dia berpesan sama gue, “tiap kali gue mau buang sisa makanan, gue teringat saat gue gak bisa makan, saat gue gak ada duit. Jadi tiap lo mau buang makanan lo, gue harap lo inget temen lo ini pernah gak bisa makan, jadi lo gak jadi buang makanan lo.”

Nasihat “jangan buang-buang makanan” dan “orang di Afrika gak bisa makan loh” memang udah sering gue denger. Tapi baru kali itu gue mendengar orang dekat gue – teman beli permen bareng waktu kecil – pernah mengalami sendiri susahnya cari makan. Rasanya hati gue mengerut tiap kali gue ingat cerita temen gue. Dan ya, tiap gue mau buang sisa makanan, gue ingat cerita temen gue, dan gue berdoa agar dia gak pernah di posisi tersebut lagi.


Gue lihat kembali mangkuk gue, dan gue putuskan untuk menghabiskan serpihan tahu di dalamnya.



That’s when the birds started chirping today. The moon was still there and the sun had yet to come, but the birds had started singing. I was not sure whether they were singing happily or they were whining about having to wake up so early. For all I knew, they raised and chirped. At 3.54. I hoped they’d get the worms. Good night, birdies.

PS: strangely enough, I also heard two guys walking and talking behind my apartment window at 3.59.

Charlottesville, April 30th, 2018.


Gila lo ya?

Gak ngerti lagi sama pernyataan ini:

“Fitrah seorang perempuan itu di rumah. Jadi with time juga pasti akan terbiasa.”

What. The. Fuck.

Gue ampe googling artinya fitrah apaan. Dalam bahasa Inggris: primordial human nature atau instinct. How the hell di rumah aja adalah primordial human nature? Ada apa di badan seorang perempuan yang bikin secara alamiah perempuan tempatnya di rumah saja. HELLOOOOOOOO? SAMLEKOOOMM???

Bedain ya woi human nature sama norma sosial alias standard bentukan masyarakat (yang berdasar pada persepsi di jamannya). Sekalian aja lo bilang bumi itu datar!

“With time akan terbiasa.” LOL. Yaelah, ga cewek ga cowok ya akan kebiasaan kalo lama2 ngejalanin apapun. Lo di Indonesia dari kecil makan nasi ya kebiasa. Temen gue dari kecil makan pasta ya kebiasa juga.

Aduh please ya lelaki. Ga usah pake alesan fitrah dan sok logis deh untuk memenuhi ego  lo. Humans are irational indeed, gue ngerti dan gue pun irrational. Tapi ya udah akuin aja lo irrational, gak usah jadi cari-cari alesan biar jadi logis. Bzzz.

Thanks, Carrie!

Kadang-kadang gue pikir mungkin semua lebih mudah kalau gue minum alkohol, kalau gue mau melakukan sex sebelum menikah, kalau gue gak terlalu cinta Indonesia dan keluarga dan teman-teman di Indonesia, kalau gue gak terlalu benci orang-orang angkuh dan ignorant.

Kadang-kadang gue juga pikir semua lebih mudah kalau gue termasuk dalam golongan wanita cantik (this is shallow, but it’s been my top two insecurities these days), dalam golongan orang yang outgoing (bahkan airBnB host gue aja kasih gue review: Nagea is a very quiet, respectful, and tidy guest. Lol.), dalam golongan orang yang fun to be with (anak-anak SD yang gue ajar ampe ribut saking bosennya).

I wish I were not such an uptight person, I wish I did not have too many unrealistic dreams.

Makin dipikirin, gue makin insecure sama hidup gue. Tapi the ignorant in me also says: yeah what the heck, deal with it later, now let’s watch Carrie Bradshaw eat fries at 3 in the morning and not getting fat.

PS: at this point, I’ve missed my application for an entrepreneurship competition and haven’t read any single page of the 60 f*cking page of reading materials for my Monday 8-5 class. Thanks, Carrie!

Our nonsense at Pavs

Tina: I am pretending to be a pet. I am a cat pet!

Xue: Nagea, do you want to be a pet, too?

Me: What’s the advantage of being a pet?

Tina: Xue will feed us every day with unhealthy snack

Me: Awesome. Sure, which pet fits me?

Tina: HAMSTER! Hahahaha.

Me: …

The lyrics of my favorite song

Gue baru sadar kenapa nangis itu bikin capek, soalnya banyak anggota tubuh yang kesakitan saat gue lagi nangis. My heart aches, my head hurts, my eyes burn as if there is some hot laser pointed at them, and all my body tremble. It is a traumatizing experience, so traumatizing that I’d do something else, mostly eating and watching funny TV shows, before I am about to cry – so I won’t cry.

While writing this very line, I went back and forth with my writing. Starting the paragraph with English, and then realized that I am better articulated in Indonesian, that I can express more feelings and emotions in my native language. And I realized that I am really not that good anymore at expressing myself in Indonesian – no matter how much Indonesian movies I watch during winter break and all those Pram’s book I read. But I am also no better in English, and most importantly, I have no emotional attachment to it.

That just describes exactly how I’ve felt the past few months – I don’t belong here in the land of the free, but the land I call home seems so far away and unreachable, literally and figuratively. And for the very reason, I can’t help the tears from falling despite the many bags of pita chips and pirouline I’ve eaten and the number of cheesy dramas I’ve watched – they can’t even be a good distraction for me anymore.

The past few months have been the loneliest days I have experienced in my life. Being a student in the US for almost two years now does not change the fact that I am not white, it does not change the fact that I am not wealthy, it does not change the fact that I am a Moslem and I can’t do most of the bonding or “fun” activities people like doing here, it does not make me feel connected when a classmate talked about delivering $600 pizza from Chicago for someone’s birthday. Being here for almost two years still does not make me feel like I belong here. I am still a quiet international student who observes and makes comment on the topics I know for sure – which mostly is not of most people’s interest here. I don’t belong here.

Being far away from home for almost two years still make me think of my family and friends at night. It still makes me think how nice it would be had they been here with me, to congratulate me when I got my first distinguished performer grade ever at school, to tell me “everything’s gonna be okay” when I got the lowest score for accounting class, to share my joy with when I became a finalist for an entrepreneurship competition, and to tell me “you did great and you’re a winner to me” when I did not win that competition.

At this point, there just have been too many times that I wanted to share my frustration with someone I trust and would be able to understand me other than my therapist, someone who knows me. But that person just don’t exist. They did exist, until two years ago.

The difference in culture is no joke. Difficulties connecting with locals is incredibly frustrating. But, distance, too, is no joke. It turned me into a stranger to people I’ve known for years – people I’ve been calling friends and best friends. Every time we talk, it seems like I irritated them most of the time. I felt like I irritated them so much that I just don’t want to ruin the friendship that way, that I’d just rather keep it all to myself. Cause too much negativity will ruin their feelings, their day, and our good relationship. What is a good relationship, btw? Maybe these days, in the days of my age, a good relationship is one just showcasing all the positive side of you, cause hey everyone’s got problems of their own. But no, I’ll just blame it to the distance. It’s not people, it’s distance and other circumstances in life. Or maybe it’s just me being an overthinker and drama queen.

Anyhow, I guess… somehow I’ve grown apart from one of the best things in life: a true relationship. I don’t know what a good relationship is, but I think a true relationship is a relationship where you can become your true self, expressing your true feeling, and still feel safe after that. I guess the absence of that is the one that made me feel lonely and made my heart ache pretty badly, and messed my brain quite seriously.

But then I think to myself, it must just have been one of those days, the days when you forgot the lyrics of your favorite songs – it frustrates you. But the lyrics will come back one day. The day that I hope is not too far in the future.